


the water that establishes it

by sandyk



Category: Dawson's Creek
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-18
Updated: 2016-03-18
Packaged: 2018-05-27 12:54:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6285292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandyk/pseuds/sandyk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pacey said, "See, I started working on a yacht right after I graduated high school, literally, I didn't go to my high school graduation because I was flying down for that first job. That was three months, and 2 days later, I had another three month job and on and on. But I want to be in one place for a while, maybe have an actual girlfriend and not just a long series of one night stands --"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> notes: for the trope bingo square: character in distress. no profit garnered, not mine. opening quote and title are from the poem It's The Things You Know That Are The Hardest To Believe by Jeff Alessandrelli. Thanks to A, all mistakes mine.

_I know that a river is no more particular_  
_to the water  
that establishes it_

 

Pacey put his bag down and looked around Gretchen's apartment. It didn't take very long. "Jeez, Gretchen, I haven't sailed on a boat this small in three years."

"It's not a boat, it's a studio apartment in Manhattan," Gretchen said. "You can put your sleeping bag by that bookcase."

"Thank you for this portion of floor, you are beneficent and kind," Pacey said. 

"Hey, the people who lived here before me were a couple with twin babies," Gretchen said, sitting down on her bed. 

"By people, you actually mean rats, right? Because that's the only way a family of four lived here." He unrolled his sleeping bag and put his bag at the end of it. He said, "I'm also paying you for this privilege, aren't I?"

"You're the one who has a job," Gretchen said.

"You have a job," Pacey said. 

"And I can hardly afford this place, maybe now I can actually stop shopping at thrift stores," Gretchen said. "I'm glad you came back to land, Pacey."

"Three years was enough. It was glorious, but enough," he said. 

"I'd've thought you would have stopped a year ago," Gretchen said. 

"Nope," Pacey said. "I'm fine. I'm fine. I saw the whole world in three years, you know. Every continent except Antarctica, I've taken a piss on all six. That's an accomplishment."

"That's a gross way to phrase it," Gretchen said. "I've missed you."

He smiled at her. "I missed you, too. Now help me figure out how to get to this restaurant tomorrow morning. I'm supposed to start at 4 am."

The next morning he memorized Gretchen's map of streets and rode her bike to his destination and his exciting new career, probably. The chef Dougie had dated and Rudolpho had known (probably the same way) was named Danny. Danny reviewed Pacey's documents, told him to work everything out with someone named Blair when she got in, and gave him a knife and some fish to clean. "These are not great fish," Pacey said while he gutted.

"I know, I'm not letting you touch stuff I plan to serve to my customers yet."

"Thank god," Pacey said. He still did a fantastic job. 

Danny said, "Your brother said you were working on yachts or something?"

"Yup," Pacey said. "Sailing, crewing, occasionally assistant chef-ing when the real cooks let me. I've been all over the world."

"Awesome," Danny said, clearly bored. "But you're not doing that now, you're not going to leave me as soon as someone offers you a chance to go to Cannes or something?"

"Nope," Pacey said. "See, I started doing this right after I graduated high school, literally, I didn't go to my high school graduation because I was flying down for that first job. That was three months, and 2 days later, I had another three month job and on and on. I've been to Cannes three times, actually. But I want to be in one place for a while, maybe have an actual girlfriend and not just a long series of one night stands --"

"I just needed the nope," Danny said. "I'll be back in an hour to check on you."

Xxx

He'd been home in his new micro quarters for enough time to shower, change into sweats, grab a beer from Gretchen's refrigerator and start some rice cooking when Dawson knocked. 

"Hey, hey," Dawson said, hugging Pacey as soon as he opened the door. 

"Good to see you, too," Pacey said. He waved to Gretchen's bed and went to the kitchen to finish his dinner. So, he took three steps and Dawson took about five. It also occurred to him that Dawson probably knew this place better than he did. "Hey, have you eaten? I can add enough for two."

"Go for it," Dawson said. "I know you were going to call all of us, but I just had to come over."

Pacey said, "I actually was gonna call all of you, but I literally moved in last night and had my first day of work starting today at 4 am, so yeah, I put it off until tomorrow."

"It's great you already have a job," Dawson said. "No thoughts of college?"

"Why would I?" Pacey shrugged. "Bill Gates, Woody Allen, we have all these examples of great men who didn't need college, I think I can still make my mark."

"Very good point," Dawson said. "You're okay, right? Gretchen said a year ago you were in the hospital for a few weeks."

"She did, did she?" Pacey spooned out dinner onto two paper plates he found, added a plastic fork for each of them from one of the apparently hundreds Gretchen had in her drawer and walked five steps to sit on the floor in front of the TV.

"Is it a secret?" Dawson looked genuinely concerned. 

Pacey shrugged again. "Not really, but we never told Mom so she wouldn't worry, so it's a secret from her. It wasn't serious."

"You were in a hospital for a month but that wasn't serious," Dawson said. "I'm sorry, you obviously don't want to talk about it."

"It's nothing," he said. He ate his dinner. Then he said, "There was a, I was attacked. Stabbed, actually." He pulled up the hem of his sweats. "See?" Pacey contorted himself to show the back of his legs to Dawson. 

"That's awful," Dawson said. "But you're okay?"

"Absolutely, but you can see why we didn't tell my mom. My chances of being a butt double professionally are gone thanks to the scars, but otherwise, again, everything is fine," Pacey said. Dawson was looking at him with a very concerned expression which Pacey was not in the mood for. He said, "Were you dating my sister at the time?"

"I was," Dawson said, smiling. "Dating her again. After that time in high school. When she was my first."

"You've had to wait three years to make me miserable with that again," Pacey said. "It's creepy, Dawson. You filmed me losing my virginity, and you lose yours to my sister. That's creepy."

"We grew up in a small town," Dawson said. "You and I also have an ex-girlfriend in common."

"Since I've been gone you dated Joey and then Gretchen, right," Pacey said. "How about Jen, you working on her?"

"Sadly, no," Dawson said. "You know she and Jack live here now, right? They're both at NYU."

"Like you," Pacey said. "Why didn't you like USC?"

"If USC wasn't in Los Angeles, it would have been great," Dawson said. "But, alas. I was ready to transfer after two weeks. It was also very validating to get accepted by the school that rejected me. I'm glad you're in town, seriously."

"I believe you," Pacey said. "Sorry if I'm too lowkey, I just got up at 3 am."

"You have a job," Dawson said. "Cooking."

"Jeez, how much do you and Gretchen talk? Didn't you guys break up? She said last night you have a new girlfriend," Pacey said. 

"We email when she gets bored at work. We email a lot," Dawson said. "I email with Joey and Andie and Jack and Jen and other people you've never met and aren't from Capeside."

"You're so cosmopolitan," Pacey said, smiling. 

"Did you really tell Gretchen you've peed on every continent besides Antarctica?"

"Doesn't it sound like me?" Pacey grabbed both their plates and forks and took two long steps to the kitchen to throw them away. 

"That was really good for rice and veggies, Pacey, thanks," Dawson said. He wiped his hands on his jeans. He said, "I was going to say you should see my short film but if you have any lingering PTSD like issues from being stabbed, it's a slasher flick so --"

"I'll pass," Pacey said. "Sorry. I don't have PTSD, at all. But oddly enough, I enjoy watching people get fake stabbed a lot less than I used to."

"Is the guy at least in jail?"

"Yeah," Pacey said. "A jail like mental institution. And his parents paid for my hospital stay in Hawaii, plus some extra." Pacey felt like he wanted to do something with his hands but he settled for jamming them in his pants. "This is really far from my favorite memory to revisit."

"Got it," Dawson said. "No more questions. Did anyone tell Jen's pansexual now?"

"That is a fantastic segue, please tell me more," Pacey said, grinning. 

Xxx

"I'm so glad you smoke pot," Jen said, grinning. "Dawson and Gretchen don't, so we can't make our Capeside reunion dinners as baked as I might like. Not that I smoke out every day or anything."

"She doesn't," Jack said. 

"Just every other day," Pacey said. He passed the joint back to Jen who finished it. She took out another one from a ziploc bag in her backpack. 

"Not even that often," Jack said. 

"Really," Jen said. "I'm seeing this girl who's pretty straight edge, and also she wants to be a cop, which is insane. I don't get any studying done. I have this cardio thing that's really depressing and limiting so we won't talk about it."

"I can't afford it," Jack said. 

"Maybe if you smoked less cigarettes," Jen said. 

"Jen, you know as well as I do it's impossible to be a gay man in New York City and not smoke," Jack said. 

"They came to your door and made sure you knew, right?" Pacey grinned. The three of them were sprawled across Jen's queen bed. Jen and Jack both had studio apartments near NYU, across the hall from each other. They were both somehow tinier than Gretchen's. 

It was swelteringly hot in New York City and neither Jen or Jack had air conditioning. So Jen had insisted everyone strip down to their underwear. Pacey sweated into the bedsheet and looked up watching the fan rotate. 

Jack said, "Hey, Pacey, how often were you stoned while you were yachting?"

"I didn't yacht, man, that's what the rich guys do, I was the crew. I was only stoned between jobs," Pacey said. 

Jack sat up and looked over Pacey from toes to damp hair. Jack said, "God, you're in great shape, Pacey. Super ripped. Is that a tattoo?"

Pacey pulled down his boxer briefs on his right hip a little. He said, "This is a tattoo, yes. Got it in Brussels a few months ago. Everyone on the crew of that job got one. Mine's the best, though." 

Jen said, "It's nice. But Brussels is nowhere near water, how do you yacht in Brussels?"

"Again, I didn't yacht. The guy we were working for was getting a new yacht, so he traveled with us from Antwerp to where he bought the yacht. Rich people do weird stuff, seriously," Pacey said. "There's water in Brussels. It's near to water."

Pacey turned on his stomach so his back could get some of the barely moving air thanks to the fan. Jen said, "Okay, I know we're not supposed to ask about the whole stabbing thing because Dawson says you have PTSD --"

"I don't have PTSD," Pacey said. "Come on."

"Dawson said Gretchen told him you have nightmares. You've been back a week," Jen said. "It looks like someone just stabbed their way up your leg."

"I had one nightmare, which wasn't about being stabbed," Pacey said. It wasn't exactly about what had happened. "It looks like that because, guess what? Someone stabbed his way up my leg. All the way up to my butt but I'm not taking off my underwear. It really wasn't that bad. He didn't hit bone or nick an artery, I just lost a lot of blood and have a few scars. Which will fade."

Jack said, "If it wasn't serious, why were you in the hospital for a month?"

Pacey flipped back on his back. He said, "He didn't clean his knife between stabbings and I wasn't the only one who got stabbed."

"That's so rude," Jen said. "He could have at least wiped off the knife."

Pacey laughed. "Yeah, that was definitely the rude part. Just because I don't want to talk about it or see a slasher movie doesn't mean I have PTSD."

"I know," Jen said. 

"She's studying to be a psychologist," Jack said. 

"I know," Pacey said. 

"But the nightmares could be a symptom," Jen said. "Do you have flashbacks?"

"No, and I'm not hypervigilant and I'm not prone to irritability and aggression as I'm demonstrating right now by not lashing out at you two losers," Pacey said. 

"But you know the symptoms," Jen said.

"After you get stabbed, sometimes they have people come to talk to you to make sure you're getting over being stabbed," Pacey said. "When rich people pay your bills, they're even good at their job."

"Okay," Jen said. "No more stabbing talk."

"Thank god," Pacey said. "Hey, Jen, any chance you'd sleep with me?"

"Should I be here for this?" Jack didn't make a move to get up. 

"Well, Pacey, you look great. I mean, ridiculously great. But I don't think you're over Joey," Jen said. 

"Three years ago," Pacey said. "Do you know how many people I've had sex with since then?"

Jack said, "When you say people, is there any chance you mean you've come around to my side?" 

"Sorry, Jack, no," Pacey said. "It's a lot of women."

"If you were having meaningless one night stands, that totally persuades me you are so over Joey and it wouldn't be a horrible thing to have sex with you," Jen said. 

"You sound like it doesn't," Pacey. 

"She doesn't mean it," Jack said.

"How do you know they were meaningless? There was meaning there. The meaning was we liked each other," Pacey said.

"You went out on that boat with Joey and had sex with her and came back and kept having sex with her and you were clearly in love and said it to her at least once where we all heard it," Jen said.

"More than once," Jack said. 

"Then you dump her right after graduation because you've decided you two have no future," Jen said. "You didn't even apply to college."

"I wasn't made for college," Pacey said. 

"You broke Joey's heart," Jack said mournfully. "Thank God she got over it. That professor she was dating freshman year was hot."

"I broke my own heart," Pacey said. "I was super stupid." He sat up. "Wait, didn't you tell me Andie dated a professor, too? Is everyone doing it now?"

"I never have," Jen said. "Jack got hit on by one."

"He was handsome," Jack said. "Andie dated a professor who was a creepy. Her freshman year at Harvard, Joey's sophomore year at Worthington. I just want to keep your timelines straight, Pacey." Then he giggled after saying the word straight. 

"You know, I'm seeing them both this weekend. Like, driving up to Boston tomorrow morning," Pacey said.

"You never wanted to sleep with me," Jen said. 

"Are you kidding? You're fucking hot, Lindley," Pacey said. "I mean this sincerely." He laid back down. "But I'm probably not over Joey. Not that I have any expectations. I just want to be friends. She's over me."

"She is over you," Jen said.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter references past rape and domestic violence.

Pacey almost got in the car and drove home two seconds after he went up the steps and stood in front of their apartment. Then he went ahead and knocked. 

They both looked nervous and beautiful, of course. Andie squealed and went straight for the hug. Joey waited until Andie was done and hugged him so briefly he wondered how bad he smelled. 

Andie said, "You look great. Jack said you got a tattoo. Show us, show us." She practically clapped. 

He rolled his eyes but he pulled down his jeans. Andie and Joey both leaned in. Joey said, "That's cool."

"Next time I'll get it somewhere I don't have to pull down my pants to show to people," Pacey said, sitting down on the couch in the living room. 

"I thought you weren't getting another one," Andie said. 

"Does Jack record our conversations and send them to you?" He smiled. "No, I'm not gonna get another one. But I do wish I'd gotten this one somewhere else."

"You could get a skin graft," and Andie said, laughing. Then she stood up. "I have to go, I have a date and a class, so Joey gets to show you around Boston."

"I don't need to see Boston, I just wanted to see you guys," Pacey said. 

"That's sweet," Andie said. "Well, you get me for brunch tomorrow." Then she was gone. 

"If you need to study or ditch me," Pacey said.

"No," Joey said. She smiled tentatively. "You do look great."

"3 years out in the sun and a lot of manual labor," he said. "Thank you. Good to know I didn't peak in high school."

She said, "Well, I remember your haircut sophomore year, and those awful frosted tips so no, you did not peak in high school."

"That wasn't a horrible look," he said. 

"Yes, it was," Joey said. 

There was awkward silence, just awesome awkward silence. He said, "So straight As every year, right?"

"No," Joey said, with relief. "Not all of them. I've had two Bs and one C."

"How did you get a C?"

"I know," Joey said. "It was in French and frankly, the instructor did not explain how much work in the language lab was going to count. I was a freshman and Audrey was my roommate which if you meet her, you'll understand when I say something had to give."

"But after that, straight As again," he said.

Joey nodded, her face like she'd thought of something bad but she didn't want him to know. He was surprised he could still read her. She said, "Well, I was also sort of dating a professor."

"Didn't Andie do that, too?"

"We were all copying you," Joey said. "And yeah, Andie also dated one of her professors, but that was her freshman year, my sophomore year."

"Different colleges, too," Pacey said. 

"Dating Dawson was much better for my grade average, I had a lot of long train trips to get all my reading in," she said. 

"Everyone transferred to NYU," Pacey said.

"Jen and Jack weren't as organized as Dawson was, they missed a semester. But they moved to New York City because Grams was sick," Joey said. "She's fine now."

"Thank God," Pacey said. 

"And that's when they caught Jen's cardio thing. Did she tell you about that?"

Pacey nodded. "She seemed unhappy about it."

Joey was fidgeting. She said, "They advised her not to have children. I said, Jen, do you even want children? Jen was like, she hadn't even thought about it until they told her not to."

"I bet she'd be a good mom," Pacey said.

"I would like to see that child trying to sneak out on her," Joey said. 

"Well, she's dating women now, maybe her wife can carry the baby," Pacey said. "Did that surprise you?"

"Not in the slightest. Her first girlfriend was Audrey," Joey said. 

"Your roommate?"

Joey nodded. Pacey shook his head. "But not her current girlfriend," Pacey said. 

"Oh, no, now she's not practicing monogamy and has a girlfriend and a boyfriend."

Pacey said, "I was an idiot to break up with you. I mean, my reasons were incredibly stupid."

"I agree," Joey said. Her smile was tentative again. "But it's okay. I've had worse since then. So you weren't nearly as bad as that."

"That's not a fair grading scale. I hurt you for stupid reasons, because I didn't think much of myself," he said. 

She shrugged. "It's the scale I'm using now, Pacey, so roll with it. But I appreciate you saying all that. I accept your apology. How's that?"

"I've been chewing on that for over two years," Pacey said. "Agonizing over it, even. I almost emailed you.

"It took you that long?" She fidgeted again. "It's fine, Pacey. I grant you closure. We are closed."

"So we can be friends," he said. "Gretchen said it's a tradition."

"I'm still friends with Dawson," she said. 

"That's not a surprise," he said. 

"I'm also close friends with Jen, that's surprising to me."

"To 15 year old you, sure," Pacey said. "But you're not stupid, Jen's a good person. I mean, you knew that. Even back then."

"I didn't," Joey said. "I was that stupid." She smiled. "Can we go somewhere? I don't want to sit around and stare at each other."

"When you could be studying, you mean," he said. 

"If you don't mind," she said. 

"Never in a million years," he said. 

They went to a coffeehouse/cafe Joey liked and clearly went to often judging by the way the baristas smiled at her and the way she went straight to a particular table in the corner farthest away from the door. They made more awkward conversation, which Pacey found both excruciating and expected. Finally she said, "Okay, we can do this, right?"

"Talk like people who like each other? Apparently not," he said. "So what are you majoring in? How did you decide on that?"

"If you ask me enough questions, we'll remember how to talk to each other, really?" She smiled at him. "I'm getting a degree in English. I'm thinking of going for a MFA or teaching at a community college or something. I have no idea. But I have to decide pretty soon what happens after graduation. I decided to do this because I had a lot of encouragement to be a writer and also …" She looked down at her coffee. 

"And also? Maybe that's where we're tripping up. Is this a bad story?" 

She looked up at him and he realized it was a bad story. He said, "Okay, you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. Or you're not comfortable telling."

She looked at him like she thought he was a better man than he was. He remembered that look. She said, "No, it's okay. Jen knows, and I'm pretty sure Andie does, too. It's not that exciting." She drew circles with her finger on the table. Then she said, "My junior year I was dating this guy. I thought he was a bad boy. He was just bad. He was older than me, he'd dropped out of college and had a so-called real job. People talk a lot about warning signs when it comes to these sorts of relationships but it's hard to distinguish warning signs from things I used to think were romantic and challenging." Her voice was quiet. She said, "I did hit him first."

"Jo," he said. He reached his hand over but didn't touch hers. She started fidgeting by tracing circles on his hand instead of the table. 

"We got an apartment together and there was, well. Anyway. I still got As and I knew I wasn't like those stupid girls who end up, well, like I was." Joey took a noisy sip of her coffee and wiped her eyes. "So that was happening. I ended up, I talked to Jen. She was very helpful. She's decided to be a psychologist, did you know? I think she'll be really good." Joey briefly looked up at him and then back at the table. She was clasping his hand across the table now. 

"Anyway, she found a place here I could talk to people. I made plans to move in with Andie, who was a total sweetheart, of course. It was a pretty difficult, it was a hard thing, moving out and breaking up. But that was over and he moved to California to go to school, actually. Which just makes me want to be a writer because we have enough male writers who are assholes to women, we need more, well, you know." She smiled at him and then she wiped her eyes again. 

"I agree with that," Pacey said. He felt particularly hollow and useless. He said, "But you know none of this was your fault, right? This is something that happened to you because that guy, whatever his name is, chose to be that asshole." 

She patted his hand. "His name is Corwin, and I have no plans to tell you his last name. No hunting him down or anything like that."

"I know some guys," Pacey said. "If you change your mind about that."

"You were doing so good with the it's not my fault stuff and then you lapse into that guy," Joey said. "I appreciate the thought, but I don't think there's any real value in hurting someone else."

He wrestled with his immediate thought, but she was right, of course. The value in pounding this guy into the cement and setting him on fire was all about Pacey's anger, not Joey. He said, "You're right."

"Now you know one of my deepest darkest secrets," Joey said. "So, um, tell me why you're suddenly cooking."

"It feels pretty inadequate, like, this is not a one for one exchange," Pacey said. He had one bad story and he really didn't want to tell that one, but he would if it made Joey feel better. He was actually surprised she hadn't asked. Dawson had to have told her. 

"That's actually good," Joey said. "I don't want you to have a story like mine. "

"Thank you," he said. "I don't want you to either." He squeezed her hand for a moment. He said, "It's pretty simple. Somewhere about three or four months into my brief career on the open seas, I started hanging out with one of the personal chefs, helping out in the kitchen. After that, I tried to do a little work and learn something new with each chef."

"Was that first personal chef an attractive older woman?" Joey smiled. 

"Potter, you could not be more wrong. He was a very unattractive man who was only 10 years older than me," Pacey said. "It really was a genuine interest."

Thankfully, after that the awkwardness fled and they were able to talk like friends again. He read things she pushed on him to look at while she worked, commenting out loud. "I know my lips are moving," Pacey said. "I hope that's not annoying you."

"Oh, no, I'm just trying to research MFA programs and workshops to decide the next few years of my life," Joey said. "You keep telling me every stray thought that comes into your head."

"You gave me this book," Pacey said. "Why am I reading this again?"

"I love short stories, I love the short stories in that book, and you should read it."

He turned a page. "Okay, this involves a baby with cancer, please tell me it ends well."

"It's a very famous story, Pacey, and yes, the baby is okay."

After a few hours, he said, "Where can I read your stories?"

She didn't look up from her laptop. "I wrote a thinly disguised porn story about me and Dawson's first time together I can send you."

"Are you serious? Please, no."

"I wasn't serious," she said. She was still comparing prices and scholarships. She said, "I thought I would break away from Capeside tradition and not draw too much from my own life. Of course, I'm sure you would see a lot of me in there anyway, but most people wouldn't."

"So where are they?"

She closed her browser and shut down her laptop. She said, "Well, I've submitted a few but I haven't heard back and mostly they're all assignments or still being worked on. Okay?"

"Okay," he said. "I'd cook for you but I'm not really at the point where I'd wow you or anything. Give me a month or two."

They went out for dinner instead. Joey had two glasses of wine with hers, saying, "We are 21."

"We are," he said. "How much have you had to eat today again?"

"Not much," she said. 

He walked her home while she giggled and leaned into him. She was even handsy which he would never complain about when it came to Joey. When they got home, she dragged him straight into her room and then onto her bed. He said, "I have a couch calling me. It looked like Andie put out a nice pillow and a nice looking blanket and I gotta tell ya, that couch looks so much comfortable than the floor I am currently sleeping on."

"You have a sleeping bag," Joey said. "You said you have sleeping bag and then the floor."

"Still," he said. He couldn't help himself, though, he reached out and touched her hair, tracing it down to her neck. 

She said, "We should make out." Then she kissed him and he was actually pretty okay with that. 

They kissed and kissed and Joey got him out of his jacket and button down and tank top (he wouldn't call it what he would have called it that morning). She said, "You wear a lot of layers."

"You wear lots of layers sometimes," he mumbled. She hadn't that night. She was skinnier than she had been in high school but he wasn't in any position to tell her how to live. Her breasts in his hand felt familiar and new and wonderful all at the same time, like the happy noises she made as he kissed her. 

Joey had roaming hands, all warm and soft until she settled on his dick, quickly hard. He'd kicked off his pants already and Joey had pushed his boxers down to his thighs. He reciprocated with her underwear and started touching her between her legs. She said, "I really love this." He mumbled his agreement and pushed up into her hands. She said, "I haven't had sex in so long, sex I wanted to have." 

That was a boner killer right there. Literally, but he concentrated on appreciating the now of Joey in his arms, wanting him. Everything went back to awesome.

Until it wasn't. He knew her well enough, knew her body to know when she went from enjoying herself to something else. He rolled on his back and pulled up his boxers. "Okay," he said. "I'm gonna sleep on the couch." He didn't have to know Joey to sense the waves of tension coming from her. "Because we had Thai for dinner and that makes me pretty gassy, I have to confess, and I don't want to subject someone I care about to that," he said. 

She laughed and he smiled at her. He got out of bed and gathered up all his clothes. "So I'll be on the couch if you need anything, okay?"

She said, "Okay."

He laid down on the couch. The scar on his butt itched which he was convinced was entirely psychosomatic and yet, he scratched anyway. 

He woke up at 5:30 am when Andie got out her breakfast. Andie said, "Does it still take you half an hour to really get up?"

"No," he said. "I didn't wake up with you that often for you to be so certain."

"No, but I knew you," she said. 

He used the bathroom and dug out his sweats from his bag. Then he sat across from Andie at the table in the kitchen. "Why are you up so early on a Sunday, McPhee?"

"I'm going jogging. Then I'll come home and read the paper until you're ready to go to brunch, and then you're heading out, right?"

"You're really eager to get rid of me," Pacey said. He took half her bagel. 

"I'm not," she said. "Is Joey gonna be when she wakes up?"

"No," Pacey said. He frowned and got himself a cup of coffee in a mug with a Harvard seal on it. "No, she won't."

"She told you about her awful boyfriend," Andie said confidently. "That's good."

"Good for her to tell me?"

Andie nodded. "I know it's not easy to say, hey, my ex-boyfriend beat and raped me, but it's good for her."

Pacey felt hollow actually hearing the word. He knew, he knew from how she had reacted what had happened but it was still awful. He said, "Did she tell you?"

"Not in so many words, but it was pretty hard to miss what happened when they broke up," Andie said. "But she talks, I assume, at the support group and the center she goes to. She has a prescribing physician. Or Nurse Practitioner. We were briefly on the same anti-anxiety medication which was funny. Some people don't find talk therapy helpful. As you know, I was very resistant, but for me, I find it really works if you find the right person."

He smiled at Andie for still being so Andie. He said, "So Jack says you're dating a good guy and I'm not allowed to interfere."

"Like you could," Andie said. He looked at her and batted his eyes. She said, "Okay, maybe you could. You're in really good shape."

"Was I particularly pudgy in high school? Cause everyone keeps saying this."

"Who could tell, everything you wore was three sizes too big," Andie said. "You weren't pudgy, you were skinny with baby fat cheeks and now you're all lean muscle-y. And taller. Is it possible you're taller?"

"Not that much," he said. "I'm wearing lifts in my sneakers right now."

"You are not," she said, laughing. 

"But he's a good guy," Pacey said. "Jack says he is."

"He is a good guy," Andie said. "A very good guy."

They went jogging together and he basked in the patented Andie chatter. "I missed this," he said. 

"Good," she said. "Okay, I've told you about my creepy professor boyfriend, my 2 hospitalizations, and my awful bronchitis --"

"And how you still have a straight A grade average at Harvard --"

"And," she said, jogging in front of him. "Now it's your turn."

"It's all yacht, yacht, yacht," he said. 

"Fine, tell me your worst experience in the last 3 years." She looked over her shoulder at him. "OOooh, okay, you do have a horrible experience."

He told her the very abbreviated version of the time Pacey met the spree killer in the waters of the Pacific Ocean. He gave her slightly more detail than he had to Dawson, but not much. She stopped jogging to hug him fiercely. He hugged her back and said, into her hair, "I'm good, Andie. Totally fine now. No lasting trauma, I promise."

"Are you sure?"

"I don't watch slasher movies to Dawson's sadness and I'll never work for a butcher, but seriously, I'm fine," he said. "We're jogging now. We're almost home."

When he and Andie got back from their brunch and coffee, Joey was in the living room, watching a movie on the tv. Andie said, "Okay, I'm going to meet Archie." She kissed Pacey on the cheek and said her goodbyes.

Joey said, "Are you leaving today? I thought you were leaving tomorrow morning." 

Pacey sat down next to her on the couch. Like he'd summoned it by mentioning it, Joey was watching a slasher movie. He took the remote from her and changed the channel. "I'd like to watch anything else, okay?"

"Fine," she said. "Are you leaving early?"

"Yeah, it's not dire or anything, Danny decided to change my shift from lunch to breakfast on Monday. To get back to New York City in time, I'd have to leave here at, like, midnight. Which seems a little silly."

"Well, sure," she said. She bumped him with her shoulder. "Are we okay this morning?"

"I'm great, how are you?"

She looked blankly at the screen. She got up and said, "I have a DVD from netflix, the Hours, you want to watch that?"

"The movie?"

Joey nodded. 

He said, "Sounds like a major bummer, but sure, let's watch it. I hear the noses are awesome." She put the DVD in and sat back down next to him. He said, "Are you going to answer my question?"

She exhaled loudly. She said, "I'm just frustrated. Frustrated, angry, tired." She pushed her hair back from her face. "Kinda my usual."

"Angry at who?"

"Myself," she said. "I keep thinking I should get over it, you know? My head thinks I'm good, I get that nothing was my fault, but my body doesn't seem to."

He put his arm around her tentatively until she relaxed into him. He said, "You know, everyone does that. Get an injury, try to come back too soon. You have to listen to your body."

"It's not a physical injury, trust me. All of those are healed," she said. "Anyway, I hope you will come back and actually keep in touch this time."

"I promise," he said. "Also, you know, your body heals from physical injuries but there's still that muscle memory of being hurt."

"Do you have more metaphors and analogies for me?"

"Give me time, Potter, I got the whole afternoon," he said. She actually snuggled into him which made him happy, so he smiled and she smiled. They watched the incredibly depressing movie.


	3. Chapter 3

He emailed Joey. He emailed Andie. He worked for Danny and it was an incredible learning experience. He talked to Dawson, Jen and Jack almost every day. He was happy to see everyone and they were actually happy to see him. "It's not like I'd trade what I had for being on land near them, but it's nice," he said to Gretchen. 

Gretchen patted him on the arm. "That's sweet, get off my bed."

"Are you going to bed now?"

"Yes and you should, too, you're still getting up at 3 am," she said. 

He was settled in his sleeping bag, eyes closed when Gretchen said, "You've only been back two weeks so I'm not going to mention that what you've said to everyone about what happened is incredibly edited."

"But you will tell Dawson every time I have a nightmare," he said. "Which has been once."

"It's been twice. Twice in two weeks. You used to sleep like a rock," she said. 

"I'm adjusting to being on land again," he said. "Please stop worrying."

"Never gonna happen," Gretchen said. 

He and Joey had two long phone calls where they just watched movies together and talked about everything and nothing at all that weekend. 

"Come up here next weekend," Joey said. 

"Okay," Pacey said. 

"And this time we will have sex," Joey said. 

They didn't. Joey came out of the bathroom and sat on the bed across from him. "Maybe you could just power through," Joey said.

"I can't, Jo. I actually can't stay hard when every fiber of your being is screaming you don't want me to touch you," he said. "Why would you want me to?"

"I just want to get it over with," she said. "I feel like if I just do it, then things will go back to normal."

He reached out and she took his hand. "You know that won't ever happen," Pacey said. "Back to whatever you think is normal. It wouldn't, I mean, our normal was three years ago when I was apparently fat and bloated."

"You weren't fat or bloated," Joey said, smiling. "But you wore those huge hawaiian shirts and baggy pants."

"See? Growth." He laid back on the bed. "God, I love your bed."

"You love any bed," she said. 

"You know if you just want to get it over with, there's other penises out there," he said.

"It's not like that, Pacey," she said. She got under the covers next to him. 

"Joey, I haven't said I love you to you to anyone since you," Pacey said. "So believe me, I'm happy to do whatever you need, but, like, are we back together? Are we dating? If we're not, if we're just friends, that's cool, too."

"Pacey," she said. She kissed his cheek. "I think we're more back together than just friends. But you're right, we should figure this out. I'm sorry if you feel like I was just using you."

"I didn't think that at all," he said. "I don't. Just, you know, stop putting so much pressure on yourself to be something you can't be and I don't think you even want to be."

"I want to be sexually active," Joey said. "I'm tired of him winning."

"You survived," Pacey said. "You're winning."

He slept like a baby in her awesome bed. When they woke up, he went down on her until she came, he counted that as his greatest accomplishment of the weekend.

Joey said, "I promise I've been talking to someone, okay? I do talk, and I talk, people give me advice, I listen, you don't have to be my therapist."

"I'd be a shitty therapist. I think you're brilliant," Pacey said. "I'd give you bad advice."

"I don't think you would," she said. She kissed him goodbye.

Xxx

Jen said, "Pacey, I want to counsel you for a paper, okay?"

"Absolutely not," Pacey said. "Hey, you talk to Joey, right?"

"According to the girl code, I can't repeat anything she's said," Jen said. "But you're doing fine."

"I feel like we kinda jumped into this sex quest without talking about who we are to each other now and I tried to bring it up but I think I just made her feel bad," Pacey said. He stretched out on Jen's bed. "Lindley, please please, let me stay here tonight. Let me sleep in your luxurious bed."

"Don't you have work tomorrow? At 4 am?"

"No, it's Friday night, I don't have work tomorrow at all," he said. 

"As long as you promise not to make any moves on me," she said. 

"I won't, I won't, I won't. I want a bed, Jen," Pacey said. 

"Is your tattoo the latitude and longitude of Capeside?"

"Yup," Pacey said. "You're the best, by the way."

"Why did you get a tattoo?"

He looked at her. "Are you trying to sneaky analyze me for your paper?"

"I'm trying to analyze you but just because I like you," Jen said. 

"I got a tattoo because I wanted something permanent on my body that I chose to put there. So yes, it was related to my being stabbed, are you happy now?" He smiled and rolled on his side. "Man, I could fall asleep right now."

"I would tuck you in," Jen said. "Actually I can give you the whole bed, and go over to Jack's."

"I don't want to kick you out," Pacey said. He couldn't keep his eyes open, getting to be in a comfortable bed was like Ambien to him. 

"You're not," she said. She kissed his cheek and he fell asleep.

Of course, because he was at Jen's, he had a nightmare. He sat up and tried to slow his breathing. Jen had come back and was in the bed next to him. She said, "Pacey."

He laid back down and turned away from her. He said, "Do you remember Abby Morgan?"

"Oh, God, yes," Jen said, and laughing in a burst. 

"When I got stabbed and I was calling for help on the radio, bleeding to what I was pretty sure was my death, I had a hallucination that Abby Morgan came in. We bantered a little about hell, whether she was in hell, she called me a loser."

"That sounds like Abby," Jen said. In a few years Jen was going to call that her therapist voice. 

"The very last thing I really remember before waking up in the hospital was begging her not to leave. I really, I swear she sat down next to me and said, Fine, totally put out and complained about the blood on her shoes," he said. "If you repeat this I will end you and I will get away with it."

"Because you're a white male," Jen said. 

"I'll say I do have PTSD, too," he said. 

"So your nightmares are about Abby?"

"Yes, that's very insightful of you," he said. "I'm being thrown off the yacht and drowning and then Abby's there, dragging me down with her or stabbing me or both."

"Minds are weird," Jen said. "Really, Pacey, they are. Half the time we're not even sure how medication works the way it works. Not really."

"I didn't have any nightmares before I moved here," Pacey said. "Not since I left the hospital."

"It's probably seeing all of us, something in your brain got ticked to the on position and it's processing, it's working out things because you see us, you remember Abby, you remember being frightened and traumatized," Jen said. "Or you're just nuts."

"Every day at work I cut with the same kind of knife he used, doesn't bother me in the slightest. But I see you guys and I can't sleep," he said. "I think the path to sanity is clear."

"If you stop hanging out with me, whose bed will you crash in?" She squeezed his shoulder. 

"Okay, fine," he said. "We can keep hanging out." 

The next weekend, Gretchen sweetly offered to stay with one of her friends for the low, low price of $50. "If you have sex on my bed, change the sheets. In fact, just change the sheets Sunday," she said. 

"I'm telling Joey you charged me $50," he said. 

"She'll salute my entrepreneurial spirit," Gretchen said. 

Joey said, "Wow, your place is small. They have apartments in New York that aren't the size of a shoebox, right?"

"I've heard about them, but I've never actually seen one," Pacey said. 

He made her lunch, since after 5 weeks, he'd definitely learned enough to make something special. Sort of special, maybe. It was better than anything she usually got, she swore. 

She said, "Do you mind if I study a little? I need to write, too."

"Do you mind if I nap on Gretchen's lovely bed? Cause I really love beds," Pacey said. 

"Your addiction to mattresses is a little disturbing," Joey said. 

"I acknowledge I have a problem," he said. "Step 2 after I wake up."

Joey woke him by getting in bed with him. She kissed him. He said, "Did you write?"

"500 words that are totally worthless," she said. "I have a train trip tomorrow to try again. I always write well on the train."

"Okay, good," he said. 

They made out and got naked. He said, "I remember this one night, I think it was March, back in Capeside? Senior year and Bessie let you sleep over for some insane reason, and you got up in the middle of the night and there you were in the moonlight. You were always so beautiful."

"You were always so kind," she said. "God, why did Bessie let me spend the night? We were obviously having sex. You had your own place."

"With Gretchen," he said. "Dawson's parents never let him stay over."

"I guess she thought I would just have sex anyway?"

"But you wouldn't have, I mean, it's not like you would have snuck out," he said. 

"We would have just done it in the afternoon after school," she said.

"Which we did anyway," Pacey said. "You're still beautiful."

"Thank you," she said. 

She finally made it through, lowering herself onto him, moving as he thrust up. He came, and she got off of him. He said, "You didn't come."

"It's fine, Pacey, it was still wonderful." She kissed him. "Let's get some sleep."

They both woke up at 3 am. "Our sleep schedules are going to be so fucked," Pacey said. 

They had sex again, Joey on top again, and this time she came. 

They were laying together in the darkness when he said, "I know you're crying."

"I do that sometimes, it's not personal," she said. "It is personal, actually having sex is this great thing for me and at this point in my life, I cry at everything, even good things."

"Are we gonna date now?"

"I thought we were," she said. "I know it's stupid, but I honestly fell for you all over again, right around the time you said that thing about being gassy because we had Thai food."

"That was actually true," he said. He ran his hand down her bare back. He loved her so much. 

"But it's just so you, making me laugh and making sure I didn't have to feel bad." She sighed. "I wanted to be someone you actually could date which is why I was so focused on the sex thing."

"If we didn't have sex for years, and all we did was hold hands because that's what you felt comfortable with, you would still be someone I could date and would be happy to date," he said. 

"That's a lot to expect of someone," she said. "I mean, I underestimated you. Jen told me that."

"So I can say my girlfriend when I talk about you?"

"Of course," she said. "I already call you my boyfriend."

"If I didn't love my job, I'd move up to Boston in a heartbeat. I bet I could find an apartment with room for a bed, too," he said. 

She laughed a little at that. "Pacey, don't move for me. I'm planning to move here after graduation, actually. I was, before you came back."

He said, "Why don't you ever ask me what happened to me? Everyone else does."

She sighed again. "Because I already know. Your dad called me right after they notified him. He was really worried about you. He called me the next day and told me you were going to be okay and said if I wanted to call you, you would probably appreciate it. But I didn't call you. I felt guilty about that. I still feel guilty about it. But I don't ask you because you manifestly don't want to talk about it."

"It's okay you didn't call," he said. 

"No, I don't think so," she said. "But we've both been assholes, so let's just call it even."

He took her with Sunday afternoon before she had to go back so he could buy himself a bicycle. "Turns out I'm taller than Gretchen," he said. 

Joey said, "You don't say. Do you really bike everywhere? Is that how you're staying in shape?"

"I joined a boxing gym about two blocks from our shoebox," he said, looking over the bikes on display. "Honestly, all the objectification and Pacey you're so in shape comments really weigh on me, so I feel I have to live up to this ideal."

"It's like you're experiencing what it's like to be woman, only to a very very miniscule degree," Joey said. "I'll still take out out in public if you're not as much a specimen of male goodness."

"As much," he said. "What margin are we talking about? Can I start eating donuts again?"

"Since when don't you eat donuts?" 

Pacey turned and smiled at her. "I stopped when I left Capeside, nothing was really gonna measure up."

"You can't be serious," Joey said. "You haven't a donut the whole time you've been living here in New York City?"

"I know, it's weird," he said. "No one takes me to donut places and everyone already relies on me to cook in my circle of friends."

"We're leaving now," Joey said. She marched him to a bakery where they did indeed have donuts. 

The next weekend he went up to Boston. Joey insisted he wasn't going to cook once. "I like to cook," he said. 

"Yeah, no," Joey said. "Weekend off."

She barely slept that night, waking up and tossing and turning. He watched her until after midnight when he said, "I can sleep on the couch. If it's me that's freaking you out." 

"It's not you specifically," Joey said. 

"Don't worry," he said. "The couch prepares me better to go back to my floor." 

When she finally woke up the next morning, she was in a foul mood. "I'm sorry I'm such a freak," she said. 

"You're not a freak, you don't need to apologize, and I just wish you'd feel more comfortable telling me when you need me to back away and get out," he said. "I won't be upset."

She gave him a skeptical look. He said, "I mean it." 

He tried to think of a way to make her smile. Like she could read his mind, she did. "I can tell when you're doing that," she said. "Trying to make me feel better."

"I'm pretty transparent, I guess," he said. 

"It's a good look for you," she said. "I'm going to pass along some Jen advice she mentioned to me."

"If she said anything about my night with her --" Joey glared at him. "My completely platonic night."

Joey nodded and smiled. "You do have a mattress addiction. You'd probably sleep with Dawson or Jack at the drop of a hat."

"Are you kidding? Dawson has that weird loft contraption in his dorm room and I don't want to be anywhere near that thing when it finally collapses. Very bad carpentry," he said. 

"Jen says you should probably tell someone what happened to you," Joey said. 

He sighed. "Of course she thinks that."

"You could tell me if you want," Joey said. 

"I don't," he said. "You already have enough bad memories."

"I'm not fragile," Joey said, her voice harsh. "I can take it."

"I didn't say you couldn't," he said. "I know you're not fragile. I said I don't want to add the pile you already have because it's a big pile not because you can't handle it."

"Okay," she said. "Think about it, okay?"

He promised.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Description of graphic violence in this chapter.

The next weekend he spent in New York City and she spent in Boston. Gretchen took him out with her friends and he told a number of them he had a girlfriend, no really, nothing personal. Gretchen, who was more than a little drunk, said, "He's dating his high school sweetheart, again. He will probably never ever date anyone else ever in his life."

"Probably, Gretch," he said. "Jealous?"

"A little," she said. "I mean, a world full of women and you're settled, you've got it."

"We could still break up," he said, smiling at her. 

"Probably not. I bet Joey will make me wear an ugly bridesmaid dress," Gretchen said. She looked over at one of her friends. "Like you tried to do, Melia! I see you!" She wandered off. 

He got a teeny tiny raise at work and more responsibilities. Danny told him to get some schooling, so Pacey signed up for a course at ICC. He went apartment hunting with Gretchen to find a bigger shoebox. He went up to Boston, Joey came down to New York City. 

He and Gretchen somehow found a one bedroom they could afford together. They had a housewarming party and Joey and Andie came down for it. Pacey cooked in their new unbelievably inadequate kitchen. 

Pacey and Jack were backed against one wall in the main room. Pacey watched Joey laughing with Andie, Dawson and Jen. Jack, Pacey thought, was watching Gretchen's friend's single gay cousin who had come because apparently Gretchen knew a hot gay guy. Pacey had argued he was the one who knew Jack, but Gretchen said she'd actually known Jack longer if you counted time spent in face to face events. Jack said, "I'm kinda sad you have a bed now, Pacey."

"Now I'll never sleep with you, you mean," Pacey said. 

"Exactly," Jack said. "You're still pretty hot."

"Thanks, Jack," he said. 

"The bed is in that couch, right?"

"Yeah, apparently paying 65% of the rent means Gretchen gets the bedroom where she can close the door. Even though in the entire nearly 3 months we've lived together in New York City, I've been the only one who actually needs to close a door," he said. 

Jack said, "You think you should have the bedroom because you have a girlfriend. I can't believe Gretchen wasn't swayed by the logic."

"Sisters," Pacey said. 

People drank too much and when Pacey woke up, he not only had a Joey, but a Dawson and some stranger friend of Gretchen's who was throwing up in the sink. "Hey, strange person," he said. "Here's a glass of water. Go home to wherever you call home."

"Okay," the woman mumbled. 

He made sure she found her purse and shoes and gave her a bagel after she repeated the trains she needed to take to get home. He said, "Call me when you get there or I'll send out the Marines."

"Show off," Dawson said. "You're only this nice because Joey is here."

"I know, he's so irritating," Joey said. 

"That wasn't so nice," Pacey said. "Should I dare look in Gretchen's room? Andie went home with Jack, right? And the cute gay cousin."

Joey said, "That sounds right. She didn't drink at all, so I'm sure she's fine. If I don't see her in the apartment after I get home I'll tell you to send out the Marines. Ugh, I need to leave now."

"I know," Pacey said. "By now you mean in twenty minutes when you've showered and changed into clean clothes, right?"

"Yes," she said, going into the bathroom. 

Dawson dug his laptop out of his bag where he'd hidden it. Pacey said, "Are you doing homework right now?"

"No, but I should."

Pacey rubbed his eyes. He said, "Gretchen is mildly upset at me for not telling you the full story of my stabbing ordeal."

Dawson nodded, looking serious. He said, "You don't have to, Pacey."

"Not according to Jen or Gretchen," he said. "So you win, Dawson."

Dawson had a very serious, listening face. Pacey said, "I was working on a yacht for this really nice, sweet older couple. They would go places, have parties for their friends, they were nice. We got to Hawaii and docked in Honolulu. They go to spend a week in a hotel suite that costs more than three years rent for this place. They let their son use the yacht." Pacey rubbed his chin. "He wasn't very nice. He boards with some girl, a woman he'd just met or something and wants to sail out a few hours. Really see the stars. The captain, who was, he was a good guy, he made a joke to me about the son wanting to get out into international waters."

"There wasn't enough for the five of us to do but whatever, we sail out. I went up to the top deck, since I basically had nothing to do, and watched the stars. I fell asleep, I guess, because I woke up and the boat was idling. I heard something heavy land in the water and I got up from my chair and tried to look over and I see a, a solid path of blood leading to the side of the boat and someone moving below. I freaked out a little and started to move, get down, but then the son comes up. He has this carving knife in his hand which is just caked in blood and he's wearing just grey slacks and he's covered in blood. It was just, like, a very cliche entrance. He was even laughing maniacally." 

Dawson nodded. Pacey said, "And I totally froze. I had no idea what to do and I slipped trying to get away from him and fell on my stomach. At which point he started stabbing me which finally shocked me enough I got up. We had a brief physical altercation which I won. Then I tied him up really tight and hit him in the head again. I pushed the knife down the stairs because I didn't want to touch it, but I've seen enough Law and Order to know what to do with evidence. Don't touch."

Dawson smiled at that. Pacey said, "So I go down and there's the blood from where he dragged one of the guys and threw off the side of the boat. His body washed ashore about three weeks later. There's this smell. Just nauseating, this smell of blood and other things." Pacey rubbed his hands together. He said, "When I go down to the cabins, I see he slit the throat of the captain and the cook. Then he stabbed them both a little. For funsies, I guess. And the girl." 

Pacey closed his eyes like he wouldn't see that bed, but he did anyway. "He had a lot of fun with her, I guess. It was vile. And I'm looking over my shoulder every two seconds, gagging, hoping stabby guy isn't coming after me like some horror movie. When I got to the radio, I found the engineer. And he was still alive, barely. So I do first aid and try to stop the bleeding. At which point I realize I'm also bleeding a lot."

Pacey sighed. "So I got on the radio, calling for help. I realize I'm probably going to bleed to death before anyone finds us, and I hallucinate a little and pass out. I woke up in the hospital, so I didn't die."

"I'm really glad," Dawson said. 

"And I said, the parents were really nice. They covered it up, but their son is locked away for life. They paid for me and the engineer, all the bills, rehabilitation. They paid huge death benefits for the girl and the other three. I think they scrapped their yacht which seemed like an excellent idea to me. I dunno, then I got better and went back to work," Pacey said. "Okay, that's a little bit of lie. I was pretty much on the phone every day to my dad and Doug. They were actually very helpful. But I'm fine now. No nightmares for a month now."

Dawson nodded again. "Do you feel better saying everything to me?"

"Hmm, a little? If you use any of that in a movie, you better pay me," Pacey said, smiling.

"I don't think it would necessarily work as a movie," Dawson said. "Maybe if you really were the one who killed everyone."

"Yeah, I got stabbed by the son when I tried to kill him. But then I did kill him. So I play it off like I'm innocent," Pacey said. 

"Yeah," Dawson said, eyes lighting up. "The movie opens with you on the radio and then as you're recovering, no one's suspicious but the audience starts to suspect."

"Because I'm creepy?"

"No, because you're from a small town. That's enough to make people suspicious," Dawson said, grinning.

"And I killed Abby Morgan back in high school," Pacey said, smiling back at him.

"Ooh, that's good. You killed Abby, you killed me, Joey, but you got away with all of it because your dad's the sheriff."

"When in reality, my dad would be the first to arrest me, at least back then," Pacey said. "Why did I kill you and Joey?"

"The usual reasons," Dawson said. "But Jen's alive, and she knows. She's our protagonist, the real one. She knows you're evil but no one listens to her, she's a woman and she's a bad girl."

"Fine, you've got your movie," Pacey said, laughing.

"Hmm, no," Dawson said. "You know what Joey would say?"

"I'd say, oh my god, are you turning Pacey's trauma into an awful film?" Joey came out of the bathroom, dressed, and a little angry.

"I've been brainstorming with him," Pacey said, getting up to help her get her bag together. "It's okay, Jo."

Joey glared at Dawson. Then she said, "I really do have to go, but you keep exploiting Pacey's sad life, Dawson." She kissed Pacey good bye. 

Pacey sat back down on the couch. "I think it's a good idea."

"No," Dawson said. "It's not quite there. Because Joey always reads my scripts and you know what she always says? Why are there so many men in this, Dawson? Then Jen starts talking about the Bechdel test and I have to rewrite everything."

"What's the Bechdel test?" Pacey got up and made coffee. He said, "Fine, make evil Pacey a girl."

"I should make her the girl," Dawson said. "Oh, that's perfect. She's the only survivor. We start the same way, the radio call, but this time it's the girl who lives. And no one suspects her."

"Why is she killing everyone?"

"Leave it ambiguous," Dawson said. 

"Not some gross rape revenge thing, though," Pacey said.

"No, I don't write that stuff, ever," Dawson said. "No sexualized violence, no rape threats, no rape, period."

"That's cool," Pacey said. "Why?"

Dawson shrugged and looked at his open laptop. "I guess I just realized, we all know someone who's gone through things and I just thought how trivial it always comes across on screen, and I don't want to put something out there I wouldn't let my friends watch."

"But stabbing things are okay," Pacey said. 

"Absolutely," Dawson said. "Oh, I can see it, we do lots of wide shots, with girl Pacey looking lost, and shoot close ups tight like Demme did in Silence of the Lambs, and someone's suspicious. Not the cops or anyone else. Someone at the hospital."

Pacey said, "A nurse?"

"Yes," Dawson said. "An older woman, and, and, I got it. The nurse finally confronts the girl and the girl doesn't deny it. The last shot is the girl saying to the nurse 'You want a cut?' And we just end there. Cut to black, or some kind of wide shot that's so far away we can't hear the dialogue."

"I'd see it," Pacey said. 

"I'm writing this down," Dawson said. "I'm gonna have actresses beating down the door for this part."

"You're saying you're going to get laid off my trauma?"

"Ha, I don't do a casting couch, my friend," Dawson said. "I do somehow end up dating my actresses."

"Good to know," Pacey said. "If you're writing that down, I want to see that story credit to Pacey J Witter. And if you go to Sundance, I do want a cut."

"Absolutely," Dawson said. He was already typing fast. 

Gretchen's door opened and Gretchen and Jen came out, Jen pulling on a t-shirt as she walked. 

"Oh, no, no," Pacey said. "Witter siblings are off limits. Come on, guys. No more sleeping with my sister. No more Jack telling me about wanting to have sex with Doug, no."

"That's not up to you," Gretchen said. 

"Also, we didn't have sex," Jen said. "Not me and Gretchen."

Gretchen's friend Melia came out with sheepish look. "Hi," she said.

"Good to see you again," Pacey said. "Sorry about that, Melia. Who wants coffee?"

The strange girl finally called so Pacey could stop worrying. Then Joey called from the train to make sure Dawson really wasn't exploiting him. "I'm a big boy," he said. 

"He always writes these scripts are just men, men, men."

"And then you and Jen yell at him and make him rewrite it apparently," he said. 

"Dawson's smart," Joey said. "Do you feel better telling him?"

"Are you going to report back to Jen?"

"Of course," Joey said. "But I also care, because hey, you're my boyfriend and I love you."

"I'm fine, I was fine before and I'm basically fine now," he said.

"Thanks for being so open," Joey said, laughing. 

"Fine, I feel slightly better," he said. 

"Slightly better is still better," Joey said.


End file.
